of typos and a love lost

You can't turn back time. So, don't bother trying. But you sure as hell can try to move on by letting it all out.

To be honest, I don't really remember how it started out in the first place. Fall of 2009, I was going through hell with a guy who wasn't even worth my time and he was a friend that was going through his first rejection (maybe). Just like in the movies, we were selected to be in the same group for one of the courses we had. At first, he was just some guy who I was friends with. To him, I was just the girl who was close friends with his friends and vice versa. I'm not even sure how we became such close friends but it was probably because we were both frustrated with some people in our lives and felt some sense of belonging and comfort in each other.

I have always had the tendency to be close friends with guys in comparison to being really close to girls. I'd like to chalk it up to the fact that girls are far more sensitive and we get all emotional over nothing. And the fact that we like to pass judgement onto one another without even looking into the issue might be one of the reasons that I have trouble having female best friends. I am definitely not casting stones, even I act differently toward my female friends too. I tend to be more sensitive and I'm easily hurt around them. So, having this guy that I could talk to without reserve, who doesn't judge me for my mistakes and who supports me always, was such a refreshing experience.

He was always there. Always. Never wavering, never complaining, never expecting more from me and I never expected more of him too. He would tell me his problems and I would offer him my opinions and he would do the same for me. At that time, his shoulder was the one that I would cry on and on some unconscious level, he became so very dear to me. Maybe it was because he was always with me that I took him for granted. I figured that he would always be with me no matter what. Oh, how wrong I was.

The yms were never ending and the words were heartfelt. When someone picks you up every time you fall, you come to depend on them so much that you will think that they will be there for you forever. Who was I kidding? I was always on the receiving end of his affections and care. When have I ever thought of his feelings? Someone once told me, 'When people of the opposite sex become close friends, they're bound to fall for each other'. My response, 'Ah, bullshit. I'm sure I'll be able to prove it wrong'. I was so cocky. The world probably hated me.

At the beginning of Summer of 2010, a guy took my heart out and walked all over it. The situation, in so many words, was ugly. And at this point, I didn't even need to say anything for him (obviously I'm referring to said main subject) to know how torn up I was about it. It was surprising to know that I didn't realize that he understood me so well. That I didn't see it from the start was such a shame. To have someone who loves you is something, but to have someone that understands you at such a level is just too good to be true.

Sometimes, I wish that it was better if I didn't even set eyes on The Douchebag. It probably would've spared me of a broken heart. And it if I hadn't fallen for The Douchebag, I might've have seen things between me and The Friend in a different way earlier. But pondering on the what ifs wouldn't help me or make my past mistakes much less real than it was. And so starts the near misses and words unspoken.

Maybe at that time, I felt that he (The Friend) was the most important person to me. And I have a bad habit of thinking that people know how I feel about most things even though I don't say them out loud. Wrong. Not everyone is a psychic. Or maybe no one's a psychic. He fixed my feelings and told me that it was okay. That I would forget, that there would be a better person for me out there. And he was right. When he said those things, I was thinking, 'He doesn't know what I'm feeling. He doesn't understand the situation at all. He's hasn't been in my situation, he's just probably spouting out BS'. What he said was true, I did get over it, there WAS a better person. But I was just too blind.

On my birthday, he surprised me with a gift/surprise and to be honest, I was overwhelmed. I was scared. He is important! Very important! And all the signs are telling me that he's falling for me. Normal best friends won't do this kind of stuff for you. No! And the first thing that occurred to me was that I was going to lose him. This would never work out. He would get tired of me after 3 months, he would leave me. And what will I be left with? No friend. And if I lose him, who would I cry to? No one. I have never been successful in these areas. I suck at it. The ones that start as my friend always end up just that. Some don't even make it out breathing. We end up being friendly strangers. They all end up either hating me or resenting me. I don't want that. I don't want that to happen for the one that I adore the most.

I don't deserve him, he doesn't deserve the shit that I might have caused him if we were to be together. I can't. だめ!!! He's been there for me for almost a year, others don't even last that long. What would I do if I lost this one person I could depend on? I was so scared. So very scared. I couldn't. And so I told him, 'Don't fall for me okay?'. How stupid was that? Oh, and the stupidity is never ending. I kept on talking about other guys, saying that I'm attracted to this guy, and that one, oh, and the hot one over there too. Throw in some guys from some foreign country into the mix and you have the complete ingredients to my idiotic ruse to help him fall out of love with me.

Didn't I realize that I was hurting him? Did I think that if I lied to myself hard enough, that it would all be okay? That I myself would stop feeling these weird feelings for him? That I would stop loving him? Was I so ignorant as to not realize that the whole time I was lying to myself to protect my heart, I was actually hurting the person that meant so much to me? I was hurt so badly from my last relationship and I had no faith in myself at all. I am so sorry. A few months later, we have grown so far apart. The words that he would not say and the things that I was trying to force him to feel were finally taking effect.

I never realized why the smallest things that he did would make me feel so hurt. When he didn't tell me that he wasn't going to an event that we promised to go together to, I was so hurt. I felt as if I was betrayed by him. Was I not important to him anymore? Yes, our other friends are going too. But so what? I want him to come with. Doesn't he understand what I'm trying to tell him? More importantly, didn't I know that I was the reason he was acting this way? Probably not. I was pushing him away from me and into a corner. Pushing him so that I won't feel guilty when all the shit hits the fan. Pushing him because I was so afraid to fall again. Pushing him away because I was afraid of how much he meant to me and how hurt I would be when we were to part. Because with me, the parting part is inevitable.

And so the cycle continued. I kept hurting you, and you kept your feelings locked away. We were so afraid of hurting each other that we ended up doing the things that hurt us the most. I was so stupid. The last blow for me probably came when he decided to withdraw from the only class that we were taking together that semester. I don't know why I felt as if he didn't want to see my face when he withdrew from that course, but I had the feeling that he was sick of me. And I grew so bitter about it. And I thought, 'He's the same as all of them. He gives up on me. They all do'. His withdrawal probably had nothing to do with me, but I was so distraught at that point that I had thoughts that didn't make any sense at all.

And that was how it happened. The thing that I feared the most. Losing him. Becoming just another acquaintance to him. The thing that I was trying to avoid, I caused it all. The whole time that we became friends that only say 'Hi!' to each other, I kept telling myself that it was okay. This is for his best. He deserves someone that wouldn't hurt him. If I really did care for him I wouldn't have made him hate me this much. A person that he cares about shouldn't make him worry, shouldn't make him mad. She should be the person that makes him smile. Makes him laugh. A person he would be proud of. Not me. I'm okay like this.

It was recently that we begin to talk to each other a bit more. And a friend of mine and I managed to get him to tell us his crushes. It was a bad idea and I was prying. But I wanted to know, I wanted clarification. I wanted to make sure that he didn't have any feelings for me last summer. That it was just a crush. I shouldn't have pried, for his answer left me feeling a sense of regret and loss that I thought I would never have experienced. The knee jerk reaction I had to his answer surprised me. I didn't know that my feelings for him were that deep. But you can only live your life once. And the stories of the past are meant to be just that. Something to be kept and to be looked upon with fondness. Not bitter regret.

If I could have lived it all over again, I would savor all the moments that I shared with you. I would have made my steps much smaller so that we would have to walk under the same umbrella longer. I would have stayed up longer so that we would have talked more. I would have learned all the names of the stars so that we would be lying under the skies longer while we were looking at them that one night. I would have insisted that we took more silly pictures just to have something to hold on to. If time could be reversed, instead of telling you 'Don't fall in love with me', I would've have told you to stay with me forever.

I'm sorry for not believing in us. I'm sorry for not realizing that you were different from all of them. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for the things that I didn't mean to say. For the fights that weren't even necessary. I miss the way you used to ruffle my hair and how you would tell me to take care before we part ways every time. I miss the way you would say that everything will be alright when its not. I miss the fact that you believe in me completely. It's pretty much clear that we will never be able to be the way that we were before ever again. I have my regrets, but now, all I want is your happiness.

I wish you all the happiness in the world for you deserve it! :)